My Weight Has Always Been A Struggle

My Troubles With My Weight Started When I Was Six

Puberty hit me like a train and I went from a string-bean that use to climb through the railings of my family’s dining room table to a plump little dumpling. As a child, I was a bookworm and was too uncoordinated to ever play any sports so all the normal trappings of childhood that would have helped me lose weight didn’t really apply to me. Plus, I wore glasses and my parents hated replacing them.

As a child, I didn’t overeat but I also didn’t eat a lot of vegetables.  I loved my sweets (still do) particularly cookies and ice cream but my parents never overindulged me although both of them liked to snack after dinner. This is a habit I took with me into adulthood. I find myself craving a dessert after dinner, most nights.

I was always just a plump kid. Never too big for people to worry about my health but never the “right” size either and I was fine with that, for the most part. I didn’t become aware of the fact that I was overweight until I was in middle school. You know, the stage in life where it becomes more apparent that kids like each other in a romantic manner. But even then it wasn’t really a problem. My self-esteem was suffering from other things back then and even though my weight and how people perceived me for it factored into my low self-esteem, it wasn’t the root cause.

In my 8th grade year, I got really sick and lost a lot of weight. I think it was about 20 lbs and that’s when I noticed how much my weight had factored into my social life. Suddenly, people were interested in me. Suddenly, people noticed me. Suddenly, the boy I had a crush on showed interest. Suddenly…

That Was A Wake-Up Call

That was the mentality I went to high school with. My freshman year of high school I worked out every night and maintained my weight loss from the previous school year. Everything was going fine until I was diagnosed with scoliosis. My physical therapist told me to stop working out a) because they were worried about my spine and b) because it was taking my muscles too long to relax during our sessions and I was wasting time and money. So I stopped working out but I didn’t stop eating the way that I had been eating. So the weight started to come back. I went from a size 8 to a size 10 to a size 12 to a size 14.

I remained a 14 for the rest of my high school days. After physical therapy ended, I tried to get back to working out but I didn’t really want to. Eventually, I got back into the groove but I wasn’t doing the right type of workouts. I was doing toning exercises with very little cardio, so I ended up with a very toned solid body shape. Meaning I was a 14 but I didn’t have a whole bunch of flab except for my arms–those things are the devil.

By the time I went to college I noticed that I was losing weight again. I probably dropped down to a 13 but they don’t really make those so I was a loose 14 most of my freshman year. Then my dad died and I ate my feelings and I went from the 13 to a 16 in the span of a summer. Grief will do that.

I stayed a 16 until my junior year. That year, I actually used the school gym and I did a mixture of cardio, resistance training, and toning exercises commonly found within pilates. I went from a 16 to a tight 14 and then during that summer I went to Europe and got down to a 12. Europe was magical. All the traveling, hiking, and walking–plus the food was healthier–Oh my God! Europe was magical!

But All Fairytales Come To An End

Once I got back into the U. S. the weight started coming back. It was a combination of a lot of things. I wasn’t able to workout because I was too busy with classes and work. The food, even though it was home cooked, wasn’t as clean as Europe’s food had been. And I was actually able to afford food again because I was no longer exchanging my dollars for Euros, Swiss Francs, British Pounds, or Icelandic Króna. Those exchange rates really take a bite out of your budget.

But anyway,  before it became apparent that my weight was going back up, I’d started buying new clothes. You see, Europe changed me. It made me realize that I was an adult and that I should start dressing in a more professional manner. So when I got back home, I started buying better clothes. I’m not putting down jeans and T-shirts because those were my go-to clothing choices but they were also a way for me to hide myself and any discomfort I was feeling about my body. So this new found love for myself and comfortableness with my body coupled with the fact that most of my clothes no longer fit me, thanks to my European adventures, led me to redo my wardrobe. I was blissfully unaware that my weight was rising until one day I looked in the mirror and realized my belly was hanging again. And the tightness in my pants wasn’t because I was drying them too long. I was gaining the weight back. My size 14s were hugging just a little too tight once again.

But This Time Around, Things Will Be Different

I turn 22 next month and I’m tired of my weight yo-yoing. Last night I looked at my pictures from Europe and graduation and noticed that I look nothing like what I pictured I would look like at the age of 21. I feel like I don’t look like an adult. I’ve always had a curvy body. The type of body shape that made people wonder if you were a child or an adult but once they looked at your face, they could clearly see that you were a child. Yeah, that was me. Sweaters and hoodies because my father didn’t want unfriendly eyes on me.

But now at 21, I do not FEEL like I look like an adult. I feel that my face is too chubby or my limbs are too full. I feel like if I slimmed down, I would look older. And to look older or more specifically, my age, is what I’m aiming for. I don’t have any health problems in relation to my weight. The weight loss I’m seeking to achieve this summer is purely for aesthetics. I want to be the carefree Black girl that you see on Tumblr, at film festivals, and at the Afropunk festivals. I want to be vibrant and youthful. I want to feel vibrant and youthful and self-assured. I want to look 22 this summer and so I’m going to make some changes. I’m going to get down to a size I’m comfortable with and I’m going to keep my weight steady. This is a promise I’m making to myself and I don’t break my promises because I’m a woman of my word.

School’s Out Forever!!!

I did it! I graduated. BA in Scriptwriting. Minor in International Human Rights. Department honors from the Department of Journalism and Communications. First generation college graduate. Yes. I did that.

Honors Dinner:



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Times Are A Changin

Hey everyone. Did you miss me?

Maybe? Just a little bit…don’t be shy…I missed you too. If you’ve noticed, I started posting on Saturdays but I had to stop because graduation season is upon us. No. I haven’t graduated yet. I still have one more week but I’m almost there. Also, my graduation is next Saturday, so don’t expect a post from me. You may get a  picture of me gleefully exclaiming that I finally did it, but there will be no other posts from that day. But don’t worry, once I’m done with school, regular posting will resume.

But that’s not what this post is about. Nope. I’m coming on here to tell you guys that times are a changin!

I’m starting a publishing company

In the upcoming months, you may start to see some changes to the site. I’m starting a business and since it’s just going to be a small one, I decided to merge the blog with the business website. Which means I’m going to buy my website and the URL and domain name may change. It just made more sense economically to merge the two sites and the subject matters go hand and hand so it works for me. Once I start taking on full-time clients, then I’ll separate the two sites because at that point I’ll have enough money to support the needs of both sites.

But don’t worry, the business will not affect the blog in any way. In fact, I’m going to do my best to separate the blog from the business because you didn’t start following the blog just to get sold something. This means that I will not use my blog to promote the business but it doesn’t mean that there will never be any crossover. The blog is about my life and my experiences. If something big (relating to the business) is happening in my life, the blog will cover it but it’ll be more like a behind the scenes kind of thing.

The business will get its own Facebook page that will be linked to this site and this site will be linked to the Facebook page. The website will start to accumulate more content and (hopefully) more traffic. This means you will start to see new sections of the website develop over the upcoming months (if I’m being realistic, probably years). And the homepage will also change although I’m not sure in what capacity.

Minimum Wage is now $10

Yes, you read that right. The minimum wage rose to $10 per hour in the city of St. Louis, MO this week and I’m super excited. This means that I can save more. I can finally get my glasses fixed and take the driver’s test so I can get my license. I can buy my website and invest in my company. I can start paying on my student loans before they go into repayment. And I can actually get my company registered with the state of Missouri and get my logo trademarked. Yeah, sure, I could have done all of this before the minimum wage was raised but now I can do all of this before the summer is over.

Sidenote: Below is a map of St. Louis. Yes, it is that fractured. Yes, this is why we have so many problems. Yes. The counties do outnumber the city limits (what is shown in this picture are sections of St. Louis. The counties break up into even smaller communities than shown on the map). Yes, all the counties were created during white flight. St. Louis is one of the greatest examples of White Flight in American history and we’re a good example of how it damages the economy and educational system while also hardening racial relationships within communities. I added the picture below to point out that everyone who does not work inside of the city limits is still subject to $7.75 (I think) as their minimum wage. Think about that for a second. But “hurray” for the small victories.